It's that Time of Year Again....

I've been told for the past few months, "It's that time of year again.  Time for green bean casserole".

Really?  Are they serious?
This time of year is the time of year for everything but green bean casserole.  Did I miss something?  Is there an updated version of Twas the Night Before Christmas I missed?  "With visions of green bean casserole dancing in their heads".  Can you imagine the nightmares?  It is hard enough for adults to eat that dish, never mind kids.  Who is still making green bean casserole, anyway? (and if you are, please stop)
If a green bean needs to be enhanced (and I use that term lightly) with cream of mushroom soup and fired onion rings from a can, maybe another vegetable should be given a shot at the holiday table.

This time of year if filled with traditions, but I was not aware green bean casserole made the list.  Presents, family, friends, parties, Christmas trees, wreaths, lights, all on the list.  Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, the Grinch, Elf, these are a few of my favorite things, funny I don't see green bean casserole on that list either.  Are they trying to get the casserole on the list by telling us it is?

Commercials can convince you of many things.  You have a medical condition you were unaware of, that people actually sit in bathtubs on a mountain in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the "mood" to strike, (how do they fill the tub & wouldn't it be cold by the time you get in?), blankets are useless and you will freeze if you don't have a backwards bathrobe to snuggie under, the shake weight was designed as a piece of exercise equipment to "just" tone your arms, women want more junk in the trunk and need padded undies to get it and fast food is actually good for you.

To say "It's that time of year again, time for green bean casserole", well now they have gone too far.

The Chosen Ones!

If you have chosen the single life by design or default, be excited about your quest and know you are the chosen ones.  I personally don’t know many happily married people.  I am surrounded by much divorce and infidelity.  Complaints about spouses, kids, not enough sleep, not enough money and no free time are frequently dumped my way.  Be thrilled you single folks, you can do whatever you want ALL THE TIME!  Yes, it all falls in your lap.  Laundry, chores, errands, bills, taking out the trash, cooking, cleaning, it is all up to you.  If you don’t do it, it does not get done.  It can all be overwhelming on your own but seriously how many married peoples share those tasks?  You would probably end up doing all that stuff anyway, but on your own, you can still do whatever you want ALL THE TIME! 

You may yearn for the comfort of another, someone to talk with, to hang out with, do not fret, it will pass, it might just be gas.:)  If the yearning does not pass after a fair amount of time and a huge consumption of chocolate, remember these three words; ADOPT A PET!  They give you unconditional love, without attitude, judgement or opinion.  They listen when you need to vent, without a look, eye roll or making it all about them.  They are truly excited to see you every time.  They will happily do what you want, go where you want, stay at home with or without you and eagerly await your return.  You choose them and they are so grateful you did.

Statistics say single women over 40 are more likely to get struck by lightening than find a mate and get married.  How exactly did they come up with this statistic?  Did they assemble a group of over 40 single females actively searching for a mate, throw them in a field during a lightening storm and wait?  Seriously, what male came up with that?  A life stuck in a bad relationship or surviving a lightening strike???  Bring on the storm, I say!  I will take the option of doing whatever I want ALL THE TIME, and risk the lightening strike, at least I’ll get on the news.....

BREAKING NEWS

“Single Woman in her 40’s Gets Struck by Lightening”

A local single woman in her 40’s gets struck by lightening while doing whatever she wants ALL THE TIME.  She was rescued by a local, hot, single, off-duty firefighter, doing whatever he wants ALL THE TIME.  Woman survives, wedding planned for the fall. 

Driver's Ed. for MA Imports

Everybody takes the same test to obtain a drivers license yet we all drive differently.  If you are Massachusetts born and raised, not an import, there are certain things that are  learned through osmosis.  As a youngster sitting in the back seat on those long Sunday drives, poking your siblings, watching the traffic, paying attention to your folks driving, certain things just stick.  Like the accent there are just some things  you cannot undo.

• We do not travel in the on and off lane, a.k.a “the slow lane”, the lane far to the right, on the highway.  People, it is for getting on and off the highway.  If you are traveling in it we cannot get on of off the highway.
• Directionals are for the weak.  We do not use them.  We know where we are going and it is really none of your business.
• Speed limits are just suggestions.  If you are driving the speed limit or below, you are driving way too slow.  Except of course in a school zone, always, always do the speed limit in a school zone.  (Lesson learned, twice.)
• The speedy lane, the one way to the left, is just that, the speedy lane.  It is not for the faint of heart, so speed up or get out of the way.  
• The “Massternational” sign for get out of the way is headlights on your tail,and  for those of us kicking it old school, the high beam flutter. 
• Please keep up with everybody else.  One slow poke causes congestion and traffic making everybody late.
• Car Clusters: clusters of cars driving to slow to get around and too fast to cut through, not leaving enough room between vehicles to allow for changing lanes.  
• PLEASE STOP THE CAR CLUSTERS!!!  Don’t be scared, separate yourselves.  There is no safety in numbers.  Claim your space and move along.
• Above all else pay attention to your surroundings.  WE know the rules, WE know where we are going, WE are in a hurry and YOU are in the way!

Humble Pie Served by a 6 Year Old

I suck at Madden. Really. I'm terrible. And, to be honest, I don't know how it happened. After all, I'm 39, been playing video games since my parents got us "Pong" in like 1976, and been playing the Madden series since it came out.

Now, admittedly, I grew up in the 80's where the Atari joystick was king and all I had to worry about was not getting blisters on my palms when I played Activision's Decathlon. Slowly, the gaming systems got more sophisticated and my PS3 (PlayStation 3 for you neophytes) is the zenith of this evolution. The controller alone has 2 joysticks, four buttons on the right side inexplicably labeled with geometric symbols, a directional pad on the left side, and, if that wasn't enough, four more buttons on the front side. Add in the start, reset, and PS buttons and we've got more controls than a Boeing 707.

All these buttons and joysticks are just too much for my now aged mind. I just can't think fast enough. Is it circle to spin? Square to dive? X to run fast? Most times, I'm spinning when I should be jumping, diving when I should be running straight ahead and throwing to blanketed receivers instead of to the wide open one. And it finally came to head on Saturday night.

My girlfriend's six year-old-son - who we'll call "Jared" - is now 3-0 against me, the latest being a 61-47 shellacking. Against my so-called defense, Chad Ochocinco had something like 453 yards receiving, the last being an 84 yard TD pass that took all of 4 seconds. At that point, even Chris Collinsworth couldn't help himself: "These guys had a real chance of winning today. Before the opening kickoff. " It got so bad, I sent Jared to bed with 6:05 left in the game.

For my first two defeats, I was able to say, with a straight face "Oh, I let you win." Now, he's on to me. He knows I suck. He knows I can't cover a book. He knows I can't run, pass, or even kick field goals (I missed 2 from less than 35 yards.) And what's worse, he rubs it in. In the first quarter, he said "Paul, you should bring a back pack because I'm taking you to school!" He followed that up in the third quarter with "you know what, Paul, I feel bad. I'm going to close my eyes on this one." He gained 7 yards on a sweep.

I think I found his secret because, for a six-year-old, he's sly. After he scored his first TD, he went for 2 (he always goes for 2 so I was prepared) but it was on the kick-0ff when he pulled a fast one. He waited for me to pick my play (Middle Return) and then kicked an on-side kick. Before I could say "that's cheating!" he was up 14-0.

I have to hand it to him. He's a very aggressive player. If it's 4th down and less than 3 yards, he always goes for it. Always. He could be on his own 5 yard line and he'll go for it. I was watching the Ravens/Patriots game on Sunday and when the Pats were 4th and 1 from their own 20 in OT, Jared looked at me and said "I'd go for it." The Pats punted.

Needless to say, I have not given up hope. Being 33 years his senior affords me some things, like a later bed time. When he's fast asleep, I'm practicing. I've been playing the Madden Virtual Trainer for three days straight. I'm on blogs, websites, and boards looking for tips and cheats. Soon, I'll be playing All Madden and taking the Patriots to the promise land.

At that point, Jared will look at me and say "I don't play Madden '10 anymore."

Can Excessive Blinking Be Far Behind?

BEACON HILL: Last Thursday, a new Massachusetts law outlawing "texting-while-driving" went into effect making it against the law to create, send or read a text while operating a motor vehicle. If you are caught breaking this new law, police can slap a $100 fine on you. But lawmakers are taking aim at other distractions and, if they have their way, you may soon see other reasons for police to pull you over.

"Texting is just one distraction that we successfully fought against," said Mary Templeton, President of MMADD, Massachusetts Motorists Against Distracted Driving. "But we have other distractions that we are taking aim at."

One of them would make it illegal for college undergrads from sun bathing along Storrow Drive during the spring and summer months.

"Have you driven down Storrow drive during one of the beautiful spring days? I have seen many male motorists not paying attention to the road and instead, gawking at scantily clad undergrads," moans Templeton. And others agree.

"It's a distraction, no doubt," said John Doe. (EDITORS NOTE: Yes, that's his real name. We checked his license because even we were like "dude, really?") "I mean, sometimes I go out of my way to go down Storrow Drive to look at those chicks."

But Ms. Templeton is not laughing.

"We motorists should be driving with both hands on the wheel at all times. It's a dangerous city and there are too many cars on the road not to pay attention."

Asked what other distractions she would like to see banned, Ms. Templeton is quick to respond.

"Coffee drinking, changing the radio station, answering your cell phone, pulling up to a toll booth and reaching in your pocket for loose change, singing, laughing, eating, should I go on? I want to see it all banned."

And there are lawmakers on Beacon Hill who agree. One representative who wished to remain nameless during this election year told me this. "Think of the revenue. If we made all those things illegal, think of how much money we could pull in."

Asked whether police should spend their time doing more important things, like chasing actual criminals, this rep was quick with an answer.

"We could set up a special unit of the State Police just looking out for these distractions. If our initial calculations are accurate, the added revenue would support a team of 30-40 additional officers per year. And who doesn't want more police?"

So far, these laws have not made it past informal discussions. But that is how the "texting-while-driving" law started and there are some political analysts who wouldn't be surprised if Ms. Templeton gets her way.

"She has a lot of clout," said David McKinley of the Mass Law Review Institute. "She was able to get that law passed and now she's taking aim at other distractions. It would be tough for a lawmaker to tell his constituents 'No, I do not want to make the roads safer.' Don't be surprised if you start seeing more of these distraction laws."

For now, we can revel in the small things that make our morning commute a little more enjoyable, like flipping through stations until we find that one great song. Pretty soon, that might cost you $100.

You Bring About What You Speak About

Warning:

Be careful what you wish for, think about, speak about, and put out to the universe because I do believe “you bring about what you speak about.”  

When I was younger and not so wise, I said out loud that I wanted to work in a grocery store because I like to push buttons.  Not a very lofty goal, I admit, but I was young and not very bright.  “POOF”...wish granted.  I ended up working at Almy’s (for those of you too young to remember it was a department store before Marshalls existed) and fulfilled my button pushing obsession as it was pre-bar code scanner.  Yes, all of those numbers had to be entered into the register by hand.  I should have been more specific with that thought, for the universe had a spot for me at Shaw’s too.  There was some confusion with this placement,  as I landed in the deli department.  Probably too many trips to the deli counter for Mom....”a pound of Land-o-Lakes cheese please, thinly sliced.”  See what happens when you are not specific!

To my current situation I must thank my fascination with Vampires.  Before Bella and the Cullen Clan came to Forks, I was more intrigued than frightened by Bram Stroker’s Dracula.  Another “error in thoughts” to the universe.  As luck would have it,  I sleep during the day, have aluminum foil on my windows to simulate night time when clearly it is not, I am up all night, I don’t eat meat, poultry, fish, cheese, milk, too much sugar, caffeinated beverages, wheat, or gluten,  the sun makes me cranky, and I seem to go out only at “twilight.”  A coincidence???  I think not.  

Sadly, I have none of the benefits of being a vampire.  I do not sparkle in the sunlight, I am not amazingly attractive ( 0K, maybe a little), men do not fall at my feet, I am not immortal and yes I still seem to be aging....however gracefully.  I do not have superhuman strength, I cannot run through the trees or hear people’s thoughts or see the future or heal on command and I still cannot do that really cool leapy thing.  Although I may not be able to flip into vampire mode or have any of the fascinating traits of a vampire when provoked all niceness goes away and Vampire Bitch appears.  Not quite what I put out into the universe but I will take it.  I have honed the skill over the years and have become quite good at it.  Bitch mode has served me well on many occasions,  and I would not want to be without it.  

Lesson learned:  You bring about what you speak about, so be specific, very specific!

Signed, 

Miss Vampira Bitch

Weekend Discrimination!

I would like to file a Weekend Discrimination suit please!!

For all of my many, many, years of working (I started way too young and therefore have been working way too long) I have never been on a normal work week. By normal I mean the days that “they” (whoever they are) have set as the standard. Seriously, why do “they” get to decide anyway? My days off have been in the beginning of the week , the middle of the week, close to the end of the week but never on the “weekend”.

Everything is based on the “weekend”. The weather people (for the few times they are accurate) gear the report for the weekend. “The weather is looking good for Wednesday, but wait to you see what is coming up for the weekend”. “The weekend is going to be great so get outside and enjoy yourself.” “A nor-easter is headed our way for the beginning of the week into the middle of the week, but it all looks clear for the weekend.” EXCUSE ME, THAT IS MY WEEKEND AND IT DOES NOT LOOK CLEAR!!

The Boston Globe, the Boston Herald, yes they do it too. The papers on Thursday come with a “plan your weekend”, “fun things to do on the weekend” section, excuse me I already had my weekend, you missed it, and I had nothing to do...thanks!! Do not get me started on the Sunday paper. I don’t have time to read all that paper on Sunday I have to wait until Tuesday.

New movies come out on a Friday, just in time for the “weekend”. It does not imply good things to go to the movies on a Tuesday, in the middle of the afternoon, by yourself. The retail sales start on the weekend so by the time I get to the store the sale items are sold out, thanks again. Date nights are Friday and Saturday (No, I am not dating but that is not the point) it is just not cool to go out for drinks on a Tuesday. People think you have a problem.

I call foul, I call unfair, I call just not right!

It is time to change the way we think about the weekend. I speak for the millions of people that have crap days off and will never see a piece of the promised land. It is time for a change. Enough is enough!!

Signed,

Hump Day Hopefuls!!