Pardon Me.....

"Pardon me if my feet stink" is no way to begin before taking off your shoes.

If you have to open with that, all others in the enclosed room with no windows or ventilation now realize they are in trouble. You obviously have inside information that the recipients in the room are not aware of. Either you are not 100% sure if your feet stink but think there is a high possibility or you KNOW your feet stink yet you are going to take your shoes off anyway.

Regardless it leaves the rest of the folks unable to do a thing. They do not want to pardon you if your feet stink in fact they probably would appreciate it if you did not remove your shoes. "Pardon me if my feet stink" does not allow for any option and you should just say "Listen, my feet stink and that is just the deal and I am taking my shoes off anyway."

One can ponder occasions when a pardon could be given for stinky feet but not many come to mind. In fact I can only think of one: At the beach, with the exfoliating sand and surf, salt air and lots of wide open space. So, if you have to open with "Pardon me if my feet stink" before removing your shoes and you are not at the beach with lots of wide open space the shoes stay on.

Look the part

When I entered my 40s, I made the important decision that I should not leave the house without taking certain measures that would preserve the illusion that I'm not actually in my 40s.

1. Wear makeup – especially, but not exclusively, eye makeup and concealer.
2. Do not wear "comfy" clothes outside the house, including, but not limited to, pajamas, pajama-like outfits, slippers, sweatpants, over-sized t-shirts and/or sweatshirts.
3. When venturing out, do not wear clothes that don't fit, including, but not limited to, anything spandex (even if it's workout gear), anything that creates a muffin-top effect, anything that creates the uni-boob.
4. Avoid hats unless you're taking a run and it goes with the outfit or you're at a sporting event.

When I entered my unemployed state, I confirmed the aforementioned choices and, in fact, added some really important stuff to the list.

1. Shower daily.
2. Wash your hair more than once a week.
3. Maintain your previous list.

Well, clearly I've reached new lows in the past few weeks. And by new lows, I mean I've been seen – in public – ignoring several rules simultaneously. And I've been doing it without so much as a flinch of recognition that I'm officially looking the part of someone who has been unemployed for the past 8 months and not enjoying it. It's definitely not a good sign when I can't remember my last shower or the last time I lathered up some nice-smelling shampoo, or where I put my mascara. One day last week, I ran into a former male colleague at the supermarket wearing (1) jeans that didn't fit, (2) an old Red Sox t-shirt that belonged to my husband who, by the way, is 6'2" and about 250 pounds while I, on the other hand, have to stand on a chair to reach 5 feet, (3) no make-up, and (4) flat hair. Rather than hide out in the frozen foods, which is the path I should have taken, I took the road less traveled and stood unashamed in the tuna aisle to carry on a conversation for 20 minutes. So, either I had no idea the hideous display that was me in aisle 5, or I've officially abandoned all hope. Whatever the situation, from the inside looking in, I think I need an intervention.