I suck at Madden. Really. I'm terrible. And, to be honest, I don't know how it happened. After all, I'm 39, been playing video games since my parents got us "Pong" in like 1976, and been playing the Madden series since it came out.
Now, admittedly, I grew up in the 80's where the Atari joystick was king and all I had to worry about was not getting blisters on my palms when I played Activision's Decathlon. Slowly, the gaming systems got more sophisticated and my PS3 (PlayStation 3 for you neophytes) is the zenith of this evolution. The controller alone has 2 joysticks, four buttons on the right side inexplicably labeled with geometric symbols, a directional pad on the left side, and, if that wasn't enough, four more buttons on the front side. Add in the start, reset, and PS buttons and we've got more controls than a Boeing 707.
All these buttons and joysticks are just too much for my now aged mind. I just can't think fast enough. Is it circle to spin? Square to dive? X to run fast? Most times, I'm spinning when I should be jumping, diving when I should be running straight ahead and throwing to blanketed receivers instead of to the wide open one. And it finally came to head on Saturday night.
My girlfriend's six year-old-son - who we'll call "Jared" - is now 3-0 against me, the latest being a 61-47 shellacking. Against my so-called defense, Chad Ochocinco had something like 453 yards receiving, the last being an 84 yard TD pass that took all of 4 seconds. At that point, even Chris Collinsworth couldn't help himself: "These guys had a real chance of winning today. Before the opening kickoff. " It got so bad, I sent Jared to bed with 6:05 left in the game.
For my first two defeats, I was able to say, with a straight face "Oh, I let you win." Now, he's on to me. He knows I suck. He knows I can't cover a book. He knows I can't run, pass, or even kick field goals (I missed 2 from less than 35 yards.) And what's worse, he rubs it in. In the first quarter, he said "Paul, you should bring a back pack because I'm taking you to school!" He followed that up in the third quarter with "you know what, Paul, I feel bad. I'm going to close my eyes on this one." He gained 7 yards on a sweep.
I think I found his secret because, for a six-year-old, he's sly. After he scored his first TD, he went for 2 (he always goes for 2 so I was prepared) but it was on the kick-0ff when he pulled a fast one. He waited for me to pick my play (Middle Return) and then kicked an on-side kick. Before I could say "that's cheating!" he was up 14-0.
I have to hand it to him. He's a very aggressive player. If it's 4th down and less than 3 yards, he always goes for it. Always. He could be on his own 5 yard line and he'll go for it. I was watching the Ravens/Patriots game on Sunday and when the Pats were 4th and 1 from their own 20 in OT, Jared looked at me and said "I'd go for it." The Pats punted.
Needless to say, I have not given up hope. Being 33 years his senior affords me some things, like a later bed time. When he's fast asleep, I'm practicing. I've been playing the Madden Virtual Trainer for three days straight. I'm on blogs, websites, and boards looking for tips and cheats. Soon, I'll be playing All Madden and taking the Patriots to the promise land.
At that point, Jared will look at me and say "I don't play Madden '10 anymore."
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Can Excessive Blinking Be Far Behind?
BEACON HILL: Last Thursday, a new Massachusetts law outlawing "texting-while-driving" went into effect making it against the law to create, send or read a text while operating a motor vehicle. If you are caught breaking this new law, police can slap a $100 fine on you. But lawmakers are taking aim at other distractions and, if they have their way, you may soon see other reasons for police to pull you over.
"Texting is just one distraction that we successfully fought against," said Mary Templeton, President of MMADD, Massachusetts Motorists Against Distracted Driving. "But we have other distractions that we are taking aim at."
One of them would make it illegal for college undergrads from sun bathing along Storrow Drive during the spring and summer months.
"Have you driven down Storrow drive during one of the beautiful spring days? I have seen many male motorists not paying attention to the road and instead, gawking at scantily clad undergrads," moans Templeton. And others agree.
"It's a distraction, no doubt," said John Doe. (EDITORS NOTE: Yes, that's his real name. We checked his license because even we were like "dude, really?") "I mean, sometimes I go out of my way to go down Storrow Drive to look at those chicks."
But Ms. Templeton is not laughing.
"We motorists should be driving with both hands on the wheel at all times. It's a dangerous city and there are too many cars on the road not to pay attention."
Asked what other distractions she would like to see banned, Ms. Templeton is quick to respond.
"Coffee drinking, changing the radio station, answering your cell phone, pulling up to a toll booth and reaching in your pocket for loose change, singing, laughing, eating, should I go on? I want to see it all banned."
And there are lawmakers on Beacon Hill who agree. One representative who wished to remain nameless during this election year told me this. "Think of the revenue. If we made all those things illegal, think of how much money we could pull in."
Asked whether police should spend their time doing more important things, like chasing actual criminals, this rep was quick with an answer.
"We could set up a special unit of the State Police just looking out for these distractions. If our initial calculations are accurate, the added revenue would support a team of 30-40 additional officers per year. And who doesn't want more police?"
So far, these laws have not made it past informal discussions. But that is how the "texting-while-driving" law started and there are some political analysts who wouldn't be surprised if Ms. Templeton gets her way.
"She has a lot of clout," said David McKinley of the Mass Law Review Institute. "She was able to get that law passed and now she's taking aim at other distractions. It would be tough for a lawmaker to tell his constituents 'No, I do not want to make the roads safer.' Don't be surprised if you start seeing more of these distraction laws."
For now, we can revel in the small things that make our morning commute a little more enjoyable, like flipping through stations until we find that one great song. Pretty soon, that might cost you $100.
"Texting is just one distraction that we successfully fought against," said Mary Templeton, President of MMADD, Massachusetts Motorists Against Distracted Driving. "But we have other distractions that we are taking aim at."
One of them would make it illegal for college undergrads from sun bathing along Storrow Drive during the spring and summer months.
"Have you driven down Storrow drive during one of the beautiful spring days? I have seen many male motorists not paying attention to the road and instead, gawking at scantily clad undergrads," moans Templeton. And others agree.
"It's a distraction, no doubt," said John Doe. (EDITORS NOTE: Yes, that's his real name. We checked his license because even we were like "dude, really?") "I mean, sometimes I go out of my way to go down Storrow Drive to look at those chicks."
But Ms. Templeton is not laughing.
"We motorists should be driving with both hands on the wheel at all times. It's a dangerous city and there are too many cars on the road not to pay attention."
Asked what other distractions she would like to see banned, Ms. Templeton is quick to respond.
"Coffee drinking, changing the radio station, answering your cell phone, pulling up to a toll booth and reaching in your pocket for loose change, singing, laughing, eating, should I go on? I want to see it all banned."
And there are lawmakers on Beacon Hill who agree. One representative who wished to remain nameless during this election year told me this. "Think of the revenue. If we made all those things illegal, think of how much money we could pull in."
Asked whether police should spend their time doing more important things, like chasing actual criminals, this rep was quick with an answer.
"We could set up a special unit of the State Police just looking out for these distractions. If our initial calculations are accurate, the added revenue would support a team of 30-40 additional officers per year. And who doesn't want more police?"
So far, these laws have not made it past informal discussions. But that is how the "texting-while-driving" law started and there are some political analysts who wouldn't be surprised if Ms. Templeton gets her way.
"She has a lot of clout," said David McKinley of the Mass Law Review Institute. "She was able to get that law passed and now she's taking aim at other distractions. It would be tough for a lawmaker to tell his constituents 'No, I do not want to make the roads safer.' Don't be surprised if you start seeing more of these distraction laws."
For now, we can revel in the small things that make our morning commute a little more enjoyable, like flipping through stations until we find that one great song. Pretty soon, that might cost you $100.
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